Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.