Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.