My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Was it something I said?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-