I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
You Might Also Like
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’