8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.