Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.