Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.