[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?