Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.