Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit