My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.