Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
*sewing*
A thread
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.