Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.