Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Sunday
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.