If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
the battle rages on
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.