@mynameshank: Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor's outdoor Christmas decorations.
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@corysnearowski: My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
@PaperWash: *Takes ex girlfriend's poem on Antiques Road Show* Sir these are worthless *Winks at camera* Told you Karen!
@_Jkriegs: A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
@sofarrsogud: My son is happy I'm staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him. He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime