[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.