[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.