Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
peeping toms
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic