Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her