Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Did I do this right
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
dream blunt rotation
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q