Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.