@TheToddWilliams: Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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@hpb777: Me: *texts* How'd you sleep? Him: *texts* Horrible...I was tossing and turn- Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
@MatCro: [phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird] me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"
@_The_Man__: [in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.