Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
*updates tinder bio*
he looks great for his age
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol