Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?