Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
what’s really going on
#gardening