I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
2022 be like
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
best first i’ve ever seen
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.