Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe