Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.