Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Just me and my debit card against the world
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A woman drives into a bar.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?