Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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ACED my prostate exam!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?