Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
#milo
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.