Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep