Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”