Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
he chose this
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Spotted in New Orleans.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.