SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
This was the best day of my life
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.