*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?