Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”