superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My time has come.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”