Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You Might Also Like
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-