Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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Me: Same.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
B
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?