@NoogsCorner: Superman's only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
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@Social_Mime: Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough Wife - Give us a few minutes
@YeahDrewisOn: Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn't it a bit late to zombiefy yourself? Her: What's zombiefy? Me: ...Your hair looks great!
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@iwearaonesie: *wife offers me a sip of her water* m: Am I gonna catch what you have? w: No m: w: m: Are you sur- w: You're not going to get my period!