You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*