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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I don’t know what to do
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Happy Thanksgiving
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.