@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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@rolldiggity: "They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft.
@facciabella: When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
@topaz_kell: Safety Tip: Always have a loaded water gun ready to go in case of a home invasion by a cat burglar.
@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.