@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.
@preawsaurus: the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you'd think they had actually chose it themselves :)
@chuuew: [Snake family queueing to get on the train] [They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board] SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
@AmberTozer: Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them