supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Never forget.