[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Shortcut
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl