[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
wtf management?!