Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Easy enough.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other