SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Unimpressed
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.