Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.