Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
You Might Also Like
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off