Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”